O Ku'u Aloha No 'Oe
by mustachey5
Summary: (You are indeed my love) Follows on for Nalu Pumehana- they are going to be a little series of McKono one shots! This is Steve's point of view of the break down of their relationship based on a song called Ich Will Nur- Give it a try, you know you want to! :) (Season1/2)


Hello! So I'm going to do a little series of one shots to follow up from Nalu Pumehana. Thank you so much for all your kind reviews - I love you all! :)

This one is based on a song by Philipp Poisel it's called "Ich Will Nur" I Only Want - it's such a beautiful song even if you don't speak German! Translations are again in brackets, this is kind of Steve's side of it all.

Enjoy

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'O Ku'u Aloha No 'Oe (You are indeed my love)

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_Versteck mich wo du mich nicht findest,_

_Damit auch du mich mal vermisst._  
_Hab mich seit Wochen nicht gemeldet,_  
_Und frag mich ständig wo du bist._

_(I hide where you won't find me_

_so you miss me once in a while_

_Didn't get in touch with you in weeks,_  
_continuously wondering where you are)_

The connection they had from the moment they met had completely shocked him. Her eagerness to learn, never ending trust, her dimpled smile that never failed to brighten his mood, her kick ass attitude that was just plain hot. He had been completely mesmerized by her, caught up in her enchanting character. To be honest meeting her when she was wearing practically no clothing and was also dripping wet had made it rather hard to ignore her. But that was hardly his fault. He was a guy for goodness sake, not a saint. He swore she did it deliberately, the smiles, the extra sway of her hips when he looked her way, the touches on the arms, shoulder, back. Every touch sent a shiver down his spine, the delicateness of her gentle hand catching him unaware, making him freeze , all thoughts completely falling from his head. She must think he was an idiot sometimes when he suddenly lost the ability to talk when she entered the room. This feeling of being so truly drawn into someone was so new to him, never had he been so engulfed in some, so affected. It scared him.

Finally, he had persuaded her. Well persuaded was probably the wrong word, more like slept with her. And to his surprise, after her initial freak out at the realisation of having just slept with her boss, she stayed. Two months it had lasted, two months of feeling complete, feeling cared for , two months of truly being able to open up to another person. Two months. He was never any good at long term relationships. Two months, and then he was arrested. Thank fully he was only in prison for a week, but it was long enough for it to all fall apart. Long enough for Kono to get suspended due to his actions. She didn't call for a week, she must have known he was free, but she never called. Two weeks, the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Two weeks of silence. Two weeks of laying awake at all hours running through all that had happened.

At the beginning of the third week she called, the long awaited communication that he had been desperate for. Only it was too late. The space apart had allowed him to finally gather his thoughts, to realise how much he had let his guard down, not only around her, but because of her. How vulnerable he had made himself but also those around him by not being one hundred percent focused, allowing those dark shadows in his past to sneak up on him.

He couldn't let her back in. His past had caught up with him before and those around him were the ones that suffered. He couldn't let it happen again, not to her, not to his Kono. She disarmed him, in a way no one else could, and it was dangerous. He had to forget her, for her own sake, for her protection. So she didn't get pulled into the mess of his life, so she didn't get hurt, by him and all the horrors connected to him. But part of him began to wander if it was a little to late for that.

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_Ich zeig dir, dass ich dich nicht brauche,_

_Und dass ich gehen kann wann ich will._  
_Weißt du eigentlich wie viel ich rauche, seitdem du weg bist?_  
_Und wenn du fragst, dann bin ich still._

_(I show you I don't need you_

_and I can leave whenever I want_  
_You know how much I smoke_  
_since you're gone ?_  
_and when you ask me, I am silent)_

Her return was far from smooth. She had been undercover and she hadn't told him? So much for Ohana. Only he knew it wasn't her fault. It was his, he had shut her out, for a good reason- or so he kept trying to will himself to believe. It was him that had turned his back on her, giving her no one to go to. He never meant to hurt her, he was doing this to stop her hurting, but as ever all his carefully laid plans seemed to completely backfire.

"I couldn't ask for better back up" Her attempt at comforting words, her offer of forgiveness, the glint in her warm brown eyes that he'd so missed nearly had him giving in. And then she smiled, that small half smile, that still managed to light up her face, to highlight the beautiful dimples in either cheek. And he remembered why he was doing this, why he had to push her away despite his longing to do nothing but pull her into his arms and never let her go. He couldn't give her the happiness, the safety she needed and deserved.

He needed a distraction, something to pull him out of the hold that she had on him. Lori. The new girl, the bubbly blonde from the mainland, who was unfortunately a little to like his partner to ever be his type. She was so unlike Kono, blonde curls instead of the straight dark hair, pale flesh instead of the natural sun kissed tan. Clear blue eyes, a reflection of his own instead of the deep brown gaze that he was so used to, that he so longed for. Her personality was so different to. Yes, they could both kick some pretty major ass, but Lori could never hold a candle to Kono. She was far to submissive, she couldn't be pushed around but she lacked the fiery streak in Kono that had at points scared the hell out of him. Kono was the untameable fire, the wild card- so much like himself. He cared for Lori, they became close and she was a good friend, a brilliant agent and an amazing woman, but she had one flaw. She wasn't Kono. But this wasn't about type, it wasn't a relationship, and she had made that point clear to him as much as he had to her so he wasn't complaining. He knew he was using her, and she deserved better, no woman deserved to be used, he had been raised to treat a woman better than that but he knew if he stopped then he would all to easily be drawn back to Kono.

They tried to hide it at work and Chin and Danny seemed oblivious. Not Kono. He caught the heart broken look on her face every time they walked in together after "restocking the supply closet"- or something along those lines, the lie changed every time, but she saw straight through it. Of course she did, but he could hardly turn round and ask her to hold the fort whilst he went to screw away his longing for her with the new girl. He couldn't even look her in the eye, knowing how much pain he was causing her. He had failed again, he was doing precisely what he set out to prevent.

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_Ich will nur dass du weißt, ich hab dich immer noch lieb._  
_Und dass es am Ende auch keine andere gibt,_  
_Die mich so vollendet,_  
_Die mich so bewegt._

_(I just want you to know I still love you_

_and there's no one else down the road_  
_who completes like you do_  
_who affects me like you do)_

Night after night he lay awake. Alone in his empty house. And all he could think of was her. No amount of messing around with Lori, no amount of alcohol or exercise could distract him. Nothing could tear his thoughts away form the Hawaiian beauty that had once occupied the empty side of the bed beside him. And every night he regretted his decision, telling himself that he would call her and explain, but he knew he was being selfish and knew he never would call her because he was afraid he had pushed her to far. And with every day that passed that fear only grew, the fear that she would move on, push him away and forget him the way he tried to pretend he had. Why shouldn't she? He didn't own her, no matter how much he wished he did, he had no claim to her love anymore and he doubted she'd ever be able to forgive him enough to trust him with her heart again.

_"Steve?" Kono's voice brought him out of his sleep_

_"Kono?" He sat up quickly, breathing away the memories of the dream. He watched her silently enter his room and move round the bed to sit next to him, placing a warm hand on his sweaty shoulder._

_"Are you okay?" She asked gently as she began to massage the knots out of the tense muscles. _

_"I'm fine...What time is it?" He didn't want to burden her with his worries, he exhaled and glanced around searching for the alarm clock._

_"Just after 3 " He turned to look at her, shifting his body so he was facing her._

_"Not that I don't appreciate the visit, but I thought normal people were asleep at this hour?" he teased lightly as he brushed a stray strand of hair off her face, admiring the way the moonlight that streamed through the window fell on her skin._

_"Well, I was feeling a little lonely and couldn't sleep. " She crawled forward depositing herself lightly in his lap and captured his lips in a gentle kiss._

_"A booty call at 3 am?" He smiled at her, pulling back slightly to look in her eyes as he played with the hem of her top._

_"Like you're complaining McGarrett" He simply smirked in response and pulled her down to the bed beside him._

_._

_They lay cuddled up to each other, Kono's hair stuck to her sweaty forehead, holding each other in silence, staring at the plain ceiling above them. Kono shifted and looked at him. He could feel her intense gaze burning his skin and he turned his head to look at her. _

_"What?" he asked gently running a hand down her back_

_"What was the dream about earlier?" _

_"I don't know what you mean" He said, attempting to avoid the question_

_"You cried out, I could hear you downstairs, that's why I came up..." He stiffened slightly and she dropped a kiss to his shoulder, encouraging him to relax. She waited, knowing how hard it was for him to open up. _

_"My mom, I was there, I tried to help her and to save her, but I..." his voice tailed off and she understood, because she had seen the nightmares before, she knew how much they shook him, how guilty he felt. She waited in silence for him to continue and when he didn't she hugged him closer, hoping to offer him what little strength and reassurance she could. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair, breathing in the comforting scent of the ocean that clung to her._

_"I..." he began but she interrupted_

_"Don't you dare apologise to me Steve, we all have our moments of vulnerability, it doesn't make you weak or any less of a man to admit it. Don't apologise..." And he only clung to her tighter, where had she come from? This beautiful woman who understood him so well, who made him feel whole in his fractured world._

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Ende! last bit was a flashback by the way...

Thank you for reading, any reviews are more than welcomed :) Aloha


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